Sometimes it is too late

I'm sure you've heard people say "it's never too late to...". Well, sometimes it is too late. The saying "never put off till tomorrow what you can do today" should be what people keep in mind. Today, I received a copy of the obituary for a dear lost friend of mine. She was dear. She was lost to me only because we allowed distance to wear away at our communication with each other. I'd wondered about this friend many times over the years. I just started to reach out to people I used to know, but had not reached her yet. I so wish I had. My tears today are not because I'm sorry for her, because she's in heaven where I believe most of us want to be one day. My tears are because I wish I'd found her sooner. I would love to have reconnected and listened to her life story. I would love to have had the chance to tell her how much I enjoyed her company when we were just young friends. I wish I could have been there to offer her some sort of support while she bravely fought cancer. I didn't know. She never married, but stayed close to her family. She fought for a long time. On Monday, Sept 7, 2009, surrounded by her family at home, she passed away from this world. I am sad that I lost the chance to get to know the grown up lady she'd become. I hope she has the ability in heaven to know those of us here who will miss her. If she didn't know before, I hope she does now. My friend was Bronwyn Anne Dunnagan "Bee".

I had also lost two other people before I'd had the chance to reconnect with them. My Grandmother, Martha and my Step-father, Rich. I had gotten in touch with my grandmother after years of being away. I had meant to keep in touch, but learned several years ago that she had passed away and I had never been notified. I had so much that I wanted to share with her. I had so many questions for her. I lost her. My step-father had left before I'd returned from my initial army training. I had no contact with him for many years. I thought of him though. I had decided to leave the past in the past and forgive. I wanted to reach out to him and try to open the lines of communication. He had never met my kids. Before I took the chance to find him, I got a call from my mother one day while I was in the park with my girls. My step-father had passed away from lung cancer. Again, I put off what I should have done. I lost my step-dad. You may have a similar story. It's easy to put things off, I do all the time. Grudges are the worst. Grudges only hurt the one carrying the grudge. Release it and move on. I will never have a chance here on earth to tell these three people what they meant to me. Please don't put off what you can do today. In loving memory of Martha Ramey, Richard W. Lynch and Bronwyn Dunnagan. I love you.

Before 10am

It's a few minutes before 10am on a Friday morning. My husband got up and left for his long commute to DC. I got out of bed just after he left. I pulled on my jeans from the day before and headed down the hallway with my dog Jessie in the lead. As I got to the end of the hall by the stairs, I heard movement from Sarah and Emily's room. The door opened and Emily came out. We said good morning to each other, gave hugs and Emily headed to the bathroom. We headed downstairs. I poured a cup of coffee, put some vanilla pediasure in a sippi-cup for Emily and brought it to her. She of course was already in the rocking chair (her favorite place to be). I opened the curtains to reveal a beautiful sunny day. I checked on the baby chicks, gave them some more feed and scooped a cup of chick feed for Uno (the one chick that hatched for Pearl). I opened the front door, put on my rain boots with my pants tucked in and headed out to take care of the animals. I went into the chicken yard and opened up the hen house. Able came out to survey the area and perform his morning safety check. I went around the back of the hen house where Pearl and Uno are temporarily housed in their own pen. Pearl was ready to come out. I opened her kennel door and she came out to do her own safety check before letting Uno out. She is a very protective momma hen. I wish she had more chicks to look after. I thought about adding a couple more from the brooder, but I'm not sure if she'd accept them. I spread the chick starter feed on the ground along with cracked corn and watched her pull a worm out of the grass and try to coax Uno to eat it. Uno doesn't seem too interested in worms yet. This makes Pearl crazy, but eventually she gives up and scratches the ground for food as Uno joins in. The other chicks are really missing out on this part of their lives. I feel bad about keeping them in the brooder with no hen to teach them how to forage and survive. I take the waterer out of the kennel and get the other large waterer from the chicken yard. They both need to be cleaned and refilled. I place those outside the chicken yard and get feed for the rest of the chickens. I try to pet Able, but he's not interested in affection from me. I watch them for a minuted, then leave the chicken yard to feed the other waiting animals. I scoop up feed for Alley/Scout and scoop up feed for Brutus and Hercules. I let Brutus and Hercules into the pasture to eat and place Scouts feed in the pen. I empty their water bucket to be refilled. I close up the pen and the pasture then head back around to get feed for Flicka and Carl in the front pasture. I scoop up feed for them and walk up front to feed them. Their water is good for now, so I'll wait until later to clean and refill it. I notice the grass is ready to be cut again. We've had a lot of rain so the grass is growing fast. I head back up to clean and refill the waterers for the chickens. I place the large one in the chicken yard and the smaller one in the small enclosure with Pearl and Uno. I fill up the water container and refill the bucket in the pen. Scout, Brutus and Hercules are not finished eating, so I open the pen back up to the pasture. Brutus and Hercules go back in the pen and Hercules heads out to the pasture to graze. Next, I head inside the shed to check on Penny. She has not been herself for the last few days. I don't see any signs of illness. I think she may be lonely/depressed because Kibbles is no longer with us (she died last week). I am working on getting another hen and a tom. I hope she'll be okay. I was really upset when Kibbles died and I don't want to loose Penny as well. She really is a sweet bird. I coax her out of the shed with feed and herd her over to the chicken yard. I get her to go in with the chickens. I know people say you should keep turkeys and chickens separate, but until she has new turkey companions, I think this is good for her. Now that all the farm animals have been taken care of, I drag the trashcan down to the end of the driveway, check the mail I forgot to check yesterday and head back up the driveway. I go back to the front porch and get bird seed to refill the one feeder I have left. A squirrel chewed through the string on the other feeder. I fill the feeder and note that the two hummingbird feeders will need to be cleaned and refilled later today. I take my rain boots back off and slip my sandals back on, then head inside. Courtney, Sarah and Emily are all at the kitchen table. Courtney and Sarah are eating cereal, Emily is talking up a storm and Breanna is still in bed. I get my coffee, which by now is barely room temp and sit down to drink my first sip. Emily brings up how she ate a piece of orange one time (she's good for bringing up things out of the blue). I managed to get her to eat a few pieces of mandarin oranges, Sarah had some and i finished what they didn't eat. Emily got some yogurt and ate all of it. I read the small Stafford paper that came in the mail yesterday and refilled my coffee cup. When I finished, I headed upstairs to bathe Sarah and Emily. While they played in the tub, I folded towels and put them away. I went back in and finished bathing the girls, brushed out their tangled hair and they got dressed. I headed back downstairs and placed the cat food on the front porch. The cats remain outside most of the day during nice weather. I make a mental note of all the projects I still have to do, then head to the computer to check my email and craigslist. That's when I sat down and decided to do this blog to give you all an idea of how my mornings go (at least most of the time). Sarah is out of school now, but when she was in school, I had to add the get her ready for school, pack her lunch and snack and get her down to the bus stop at the end of the driveway. All before 10am. After 10am, more chores. Then I decide to either work outside or work inside. How's your before 10am day?

The call

Going back a week... I had my mammogram done last week on the 20th of January. As I sat in the waiting room, I watched the pre-inauguration events unfold on TV. Barack Obama is becomming our 44th president. The whole nation seems to be overjoyed. I am watching history. I have my mammogram and go home to finish watching the inauguration with my husband (who took the day off to watch the girls for me), and my daughters Sarah (6) and Emily (4).

Today. I'm in the shower and thought, I need to call the doctor's office to see if they have my results yet from the mammogram. As I'm drying off, my husband (who stayed home because of the ice) tells me I had a call about my mammogram. Now I'm really thinking... could I have cancer? Cancer does not run in my family. My friend Stacy recently found out she has breast cancer as well as her sister, and cancer does not run in her family. I can't have cancer. I don't have time for something like that. I have a farm/household to run and two little girls to care for. My husband has a very important job with a long commute to face each day. How could I possibly go through something like cancer in my situation? I know, many women face this reality. Stacy has 5 kids and is facing this reality. I can't jump to conclusions. I get dressed and make the call. They retrieve my records, then tell me the doctor found "an area of concern" in my right breast and I need to come in to have a diagnostic screening done. Wow! I take it in stride, write down the address of where I need to go and talk about when I can come in. Now's not a good time! I guess there never is a good time. She puts 3pm tomorrow on hold for me while I figure out who's going to watch the girls. Sarah gets out early tomorrow and Nathan already missed today from a training class he's in. I get off the phone and tell Nathan. I can see he's concerned. I try to play it off as nothing to worry about. He said he's call to see if he can take off from class tomorrow. While he goes out to the car to get a phone number, I go upstairs and call my neighbor Cheryl. Cheryl lost her mother to breast cancer. We sometimes watch each others' kids. I call her and tell her the story. I can tell she's immediately concerned. It brings back sad memories of her Mom and her voice cracks as she tells me they'll pray for me tonight. As soon as I picked up on her emotions, I almost lost it. It took a few seconds to speak in a normal voice. She immediately agrees to watch the girls tomorrow while I go to my appointment and I thanked her. I let Nathan know and told him I'd call him as soon as I knew anything. The doctor is supposed to give me the results right after the screening. I'll know something before I get home. That's great. If I had to wait another week for those results, I'd go insane with worry. Now, it's waiting until tomorrow afternoon. The time of what if's and denial starts. I know I must be strong no matter what. No time to think about anything until I know what, if anything, I'm dealing with. Till tomorrow, God bless.